I Don't Want to Be You Anymore by B. Eilish
Bianka Z.
-
Performing is where I find the most peace; it is when I feel like my true self. My trauma started in elementary school when I began to get bullied. It wasn't just bullying like teasing, it was more physical, I was pushed and dragged often. At one point a group of kids locked me in the school's bathroom and turned off the light. They were holding it from the outside. This traumatized me a lot. I was born into a family of well-known soccer players. I wanted to follow my brother’s path. I started playing soccer at age 6. But I didn’t love it. I was just happy that I was making my family happy by playing soccer. Music was what I enjoyed. Things changed during quarantine. I struggled a lot. I stopped eating. I would not come out of my room. I stopped showering. It hurt to shower. I was so depressed. Nothing could make me feel better. I was just in a dark hole. And I began to self harm. All of soccer died and part of me did too. I struggled to find out who I was. I kept playing this song over and over. It felt like my own. Then, I started to write my own music. I realized that this was a form of healing. Music saved me. My body was responding to the music. At that moment, I stopped painting strings on my arms. I, instead, was playing the strings to my guitar.
-
Creativity has become the way I cope with my depression. When I am able to create music I allow myself to completely sink into the world I imagine. When I write I feel a sense of control and purpose. When I write I am no longer aware of my depression.
